Psychotic, Debauched & Deranged by Paul Tristram

“You have wild, crazy eyes,
they change colour with your moods,
which is constantly.
You’ve had 3 beers for breakfast, already,
and argued with the postman,
whilst signing for my parcel
with a fucking ‘Anarchy Symbol’
It’s a ‘Vibrator’ by the way,
my ex-husband would never let me have one…
felt threatened & intimidated by them.”

“Really? How strange… I give them as gifts!”

“Oh, he was a right Muppet!
Best thing I ever did was leave him.
Liked a round of snooker after work
(Fuck, I’m yawning just thinking about it!)
Only wore ‘Comfortable Shoes’
and only ever did his fighting
behind people’s backs or online.
There’s no bigger turn-off for a woman
than a man who only eats pussy
during the early, courting phase,
then treats you as a 3-stroke cum-bucket
to fall asleep on after that!”

“Jesus, that shit was created to slurp!”

“The only thing ‘Boring’ about you
are the people you stick your fingers up at.
There’s an electrical current buzzing around you
and simply no trace of beige ‘Middle-Ground’
You’re Psychotic, Debauched & Deranged
in quite a fantastic & unique way.
I, for one, am really glad you moved in,
the wine in the fridge is mine…
and you are more than welcome to it anytime!”

paul bodmin jail
Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight; this too may pass, yet. Buy his books ‘Scribblings Of A Madman’ (Lit Fest Press) ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at And a split poetry book ‘The Raven And The Vagabond Heart’ with Bethany W Pope at You can also read his poems and stories here!

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