Miss Personality Disorder 2016 by Jack M. Freedman

And now, here is a recap for tonight’s most talked about event: Miss Personality Disorder, 2016!


It was a good one, guys!

Miss Histrionic started crying when she realized she couldn’t manipulate her way to the title.

Miss Antisocial and Miss Borderline got arrested for aggravated assault against one another.  Only Miss B. Showed remorse and deconstructed her life after the fight was broken up.  Miss A… Didn’t care.

Miss Schizoid wished she stayed in bed and Miss Paranoid was glad that she didn’t get hurt like she thought she would… and she found something else to fear.

The catfight threw Miss Obsessive Compulsive for a loop as she vigorously scrubbed the blood off the stage.

Miss Avoidant got disqualified because she failed to arrive at the pageant, nor would she have been able to fulfill her duties by making public appearances.

Miss Schizotypal wanted to be alone and dance through the grass as the apparition of Julie Andrews appeared.

Miss Dependent needed her husband to drive her to the pageant.  Oops, I meant to say her limo driver.

Ultimately, Miss Narcissistic was voted Miss Personality Disorder 2015, just as she thought she would.  The audience showered her with a standing ovation, and that was an order. She bribed the judges with selfies of her tattooed breasts.  A c-note here and there didn’t hurt either.

This event is sponsored by the American Psychiatric Association. Contestants must abide by detailed criteria documented in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. Additional funding was provided by contributions from Hoffman-La Roche, the inventors of Valium… and from tax payers like you.  Thank you and good night, everybody!

Jack M. Freedman is a poet and spoken word artist from Staten Island, NY. He is the author of Serotonin Seas, Never Lick the Spoon, and Tobias. Publications in which his work can be found include Third Rail, Unquiet Desperation, First Literary Review-East, Espresso Ink, Boston Literary Magazine, Eunoia Review, Acoustic Levitation, NYSAI Press, St. Gorge Day StoryBook, typoetic.us, di-verse-city, Advanced Chapbook No. 5, POSTblank, Madness Muse, and Rat’s Ass Review.

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