Sucky, Fucky, Muthafucky by Paul Tristram

“Yo, big boy. You want me drown yer lap in lovings?”

“Good evening.”

“Shows me tha green makes me keen.”

“No offence, you are very pretty…”

“Yah, I knows, £40 pretty, yeh?”

“… but, I’m looking for a Welsh girl.”

“Oh, racist muthafuck! You wanna me cut yer face?”

“What?…  No!”

“Angel, Princess… we got one ‘em cross-burning,
Nazi cocksucking mutha’s over ya!”

“Bell, Clifford, Honey. He’ll curb iz face
and pimp iz ass in tha lockup!”

“Wait… Jesus H Christ. This is Butetown in Cardiff.
I’ve just taken a 2 hour bus ride down from The Valleys.
I just want a Welsh girl, because… It’s Wales and I’m Welsh too.”

“Don’t let him Master/Slave talk ya like dat, Honey.
Mace iz eyes… twice, sicko muthafucko!”

“OK, I’m backing away and walking on!”

“£40, bitch!”

“Did you just call me bitch? and £40 for what?
I haven’t been anywhere near you!”

“Yah, biiitttcchh!”

“Oh dear.”

“20 mudderfuckin pounds for wasting my mudderfuckin times
and 20 for insultings all my peoples…
or, I iz calling the Samoans whozas gonna stomps it out
ov yer mudderfuckin flag-waving hide, homefuck!”

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight; this too may pass, yet. Buy his books ‘Scribblings Of A Madman’ (Lit Fest Press) ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at And a split poetry book ‘The Raven And The Vagabond Heart’ with Bethany W Pope at You can also read his poems and stories here!

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