He promised me a lady’s pearl handle 22
if I married him. I am all thumbs and used this
excuse for killing the thumbs off plants
trying to grow in spite of me.
Next time you’re in Cleveland look up Jimmy
the best man
at my wedding, living
an Andy Hardy life
with his Jewish wife in Shaker Heights
which I hear is da bomb
like Long Island’s North Shore or the Hamptons
tony without Tony, my Italian husband
who thinks hydroponic tomatoes are the work of the devil-
only shit in the soil can grow the real thing. He makes
his own wine and plucks figs from the tree in our
You think this is as idyllic
as being the wife of a sheep herder
who looks like Liam Neeson on some island dot
off the thumb nail of Scotland.
After ten years of marriage
he wants to do me doggie style on the living room floor
while he watches the Mets
(my therapist call this the marital tipping point)
He calls it a double header matinee.
I call it a matinee with a manatee with no humanity.
I’d like to slit his cock open with a glass shard from my chardonnay
but he belts me first and I cool my shiner with a frozen steak.
Hedda Nussbaum didn’t leave Joel Steinberg.
I am buying a bus ticket to Cleveland.
Jimmy’s wife said she’ll set me up in an apartment
with furniture from her basement
and a cuckoo clock that does not judge.